New Year, New Board

Storyboard for 2012

This is my story board, which I’ve introduced you to here and here. Well, I’ve dolled it up fresh in honor of the New Year, which will be its 9th in my care. It’s changed considerably over the years, but not in a way that I need to necessarily recall. By inspiring thought and redrawing memories, it still lives in and serves the present. It’s a bit like when we drove through San Francisco recently and I kept pointing to a store or a restaurant or an entire building and asking “Was that there before?” What we don’t easily remember, in other words, can seem brand new. Much of what I put on the board feels like that. Familiar, yet indicative of some sort of progress and evolution.

A peek at the past:
The board in its home city of New York, circa 2004

My mom surprised me with it when I lived in New York City. We carried it the five or so blocks from the store in the Flatiron District to my apartment on 20th Street. Gratefully carless in Manhattan, I carried many things this way… a lamp from Cost Plus, a refashioned mirrored window frame (with my cousin Anne) from Fishs Eddy, a Christmas cactus from my boss, large moving bins from the Container Store when it was time to head back to California. Since then, the bins were sold at a sidewalk sale. The cactus may very well still be out on the fire escape. The lamp was given away before I left New York. The treasured mirror cracked on the cross-country and hid its wound behind a dresser until I sold it for the move down to Chile. The board, however, had to join me on this adventure.

What it looked like before
the new and the old were rearranged.

Back in 2003, my mom said I was to use the board (and what I affixed there) to inspire my writing. At the time, it hadn’t been all that long since I graduated from Boston College with an English degree and a minor in Creative Writing. I was working in magazine publishing, learning everything by watching the well-oiled machine at work and occasionally researching dozens of previously published articles in order to email a few questions to and scribe a 250-word blurb about a Hollywood actor or two. In my spare time, I was writing long, largely lack-luster short stories. They had the potential to be interesting or fleetingly pretty, but on a whole were either trying to be something much more (I now focus on novel-size manuscripts) or something much less (a joke, a whisper, an image to hold in my mind).

Another quick peek at the past:
The board during one of its horizontal incarnations,
circa 2007 in San Francisco.

Nevertheless, today the board fulfills its purpose: to allow those moments of rest in the song before the music (hopefully) continues. Empty, the board is quite beautiful all on its own, overlaid with one of those French Provencal countryside scenes of long ago, textiled in cream and pale green. But, as you can see, the fabric is rarely allowed to poke through, so full is the collection of cards from friends, quotes on writing, postcards from cities and museums, memorable tickets, buttons, tear sheets from magazines, and, most importantly, photographs of friends. (Understandably, the board is especially picture-heavy now that it’s so far from home.)

I’m curious where and how you find your inspiration. Has it always been that way? Because I know this story board is also a composite of how I used to (for hours) arrange (and rearrange) magazine photos on my black bedroom walls (we’re talking about high school here). It wasn’t a hodgepodge operation either, so I guess my organizational tendencies kicked in early. How fully formed we often are, even when we’re young. Perhaps, especially so.

When it was first settling in here in Santiago.

Today in class, we talked about our current jobs in relation to our childhood ambitions. (My mom always says you should ask a seven year old what they want to be when they grow up, and they’ll give you their purest, truest answer.) When it was time to offer my first ambition, I remembered something I haven’t thought about in ages but know I still possess back in California: Dr. Seuss’ My Book About Me by Me, Myself. The big yellow one. You might also have gotten it gifted to you when you were 7 or 8 or 9 or so. It had a rectangle on the front where you got to glue your picture and pages upon pages of questions followed by blank space, inviting you to think through the life you wanted and commit it to paper in your slowly maturing handwriting.

A Brooklyn inspiration in the same vein.

I remember there were three lines for what you wanted to be when you grew up–three future career options to ponder. I put artist first, teacher second, and left the third blank (I needed room to keep dreaming). For a hot second, “artist” equated to “fashion designer” in my mind, but I can’t draw to save my life, so that ambition was waylaid as I decided to scroll words instead of images with my pen. After all, perhaps I loved the book so much because it was the first time I was given permission, by Dr. Seuss no less, to author my own story.

Now that I’ve got writer and teacher relatively squared away, it might be time to channel my seven-year-old self and turn back to “artist.” I’m thinking collage. I’m thinking stacks upon stacks of old magazines, glue and paper-mache, and tall, tall canvases. Maybe some shellac. You know, found art in the way that a poem can be. You with me?

Ryan’s board (he made it!).
Far from the ocean most of these days,
but an inspiration nevertheless.

What did you want to be before you grew up? Are you doing anything along those lines today? Even if it’s just something you hang on the wall and rearrange once in awhile. Even if it’s just something you talk about in class in the morning and can’t stop thinking about for the rest of the day. Whatever it is, I hope it continues to inspire this year as it did last.

The Holidays Really Do Happen at Home

We’re home from home. Over two weeks, we saw friends and family, ate at all our favorite burrito joints, and put considerable miles back on the truck as we zigged and zagged between our mothers’ two homes and those of our many friends in San Francisco. And after seeing plenty of Christmas trees around Santiago the previous few weeks, it finally felt like the holidays when we stepped off the plane, breathed in that nip in the air, and knew the next people we saw would be our family.

SFO, I was so happy to see you.
You really outdid yourself this year.

It being our first official Christmas as marrieds, we were conscious of splitting our time home as equitably as possible. For a little extra time on the road, we got to enjoy two Christmas trees, multiple rounds of home-cooked meals, and two mothers for whom I think we made their year just by coming home. That’s a wonderful thing about leaving–most everyone is so excited to see you! But not quite as excited as you are to see them because while they have been deprived of only you, you have missed all of them. Dearly.

So we did it all. We spent time with two wonderful sets of extended family. We ate our faces off. We caught an Ocean Beach sunset, ice-skated on the Embarcadero, hung out with friends at the SF bar where we met. I got to hold the one-week-old daughter of one of my dearest friends and had some girls’ nights with ladies I’ve known for 4, 7, or 15 years depending on when we first crossed paths. Ryan got to play music with one of his best buddies. And this is all before we celebrated our first anniversary down in Carmel! On the way back, we tasted Squid Ink, the incredible brew launched by Pac Brew Labs (my BF is married to one of the founders). Finally, we rung in 2012 on our layover in Lima, and while the cabin crew didn’t lead a countdown (or pass back any complimentary champagne as I’d hoped), we got to fly over the wide city’s fireworks, which was a fitting way to begin another year abroad.

Here are some December in California highlights:

We ice skated…
…and saw the tree!

We felt the love…

…and ate our fave breakfast burritos by our fave beach.

We celebrated with the fam…

…and gathered the cousins…

…and saw the Casti girls, who really are family, too.
(Photo courtesy of Kimberley Morris Rosen,
our esteemed holiday hostess for many years running!)

We got a little silly…

…and celebrated un año of marriage!

We had a Hawthorne Girls Reunion…

…and ate many a fine meal.

We enjoyed the sunshine…

…as much as the fog.

Dear San Francisco and Portola Valley and Novato, we tried to do and see it all. Even still, I feel like we didn’t do enough, didn’t see enough of our friends or spend enough time with those we did see. We needed more time lounging on the sofa, longer coffee chats, and a few more random detours through the city. Is this an expat state-of-mind or am I just over-thinking it? We did try, I promise, to spend quality time with each of you. For those of you we missed this round, we’ll be sure to say ‘hey’ the next time we’re in town. I’ve realized we need at least a month to really say a sufficient hello.

Heading Home?

Once we leave, I suppose we are always writing these love letters to home. Well, this love letter to San Francisco starts with what on earth I should wear for her!

Playing tourist last year before Ryan moved to Chile.
Now we both really are…

This past weekend, I packed. I was too excited not to–practically a full week early–test the dimensions of the suitcases, put a few things back, and then start all over. I’m a little doubtful because I forget just what December is like in San Francisco and the respective Bay Area hometowns where Ryan and I were raised and where our mothers still live. Just what does 49 degrees fahrenheit feel like when it’s at least 30 degrees celsius here? What kind of jacket does that require? Will I get there and have packed all wrong for the cherished city I lived in for the last seven years? For the foreign city my great-grandparents moved to directly from Italy. For the childhood city my mother grew up in and played in the fog in when she was a little girl? Can six months erase that kind of knowledge I so recently considered innate? Surely, the answer is “no.” At the end of the day, it doesn’t much matter what I pack, as I’m heading home, at least in the way I think about it when I close my eyes and picture “California.”

Every time I cross the Golden Gate, I’m captivated by this skyline.

On Twitter, I recently joked with some expats that I had no idea how to find San Francisco hotel deals since I’d never needed one. This will be the trip that changes that. Thanks to our updated status as tourists, instead of our apartment at Ocean Beach, we booked a hotel in the heart of the city. Instead of staying in and cooking, we plan to ice skate on the Embarcadero or let our friends recommend a great new spot we haven’t heard anything about. We’ll go Christmas shopping in Union Square and gaze at the epic tree centered there because we’re not subjecting one to the 90-degree temps in Chile, only to have to abandon it pre-maturely.

Looking up…

I’m not all that new to this foreign-ization of home. Heck, it was at the heart of nearly every grad school discussion at Mills, as we read the work of various writers who searched for, found, lost, re-remembered, or mis-remembered “home.” I’ve also spent various 6-month chunks of the calendar outside of California before. There were three years in Boston, one year in London, and nearly three more years in New York, during all of which trips home often came around with the holidays, just as they are now. We wanderers are everywhere, constantly moving from, between, and amongst the pockets of the world we’ve hung our hats in. These feeling are as universal as they are isolating. My California by way of Chile friend, Emily, recently blogged about a similar sensation when she visits her native England, though she is also a Santiago local on account of her many years in country. Right now, it’s hard for me to imagine I’ll ever feel like a local here. But will I still when I go home? I suppose that’s my question.

Looking out…

Then there’s my husband, who has been living abroad for a year and a half now. During the nearly exact year I lived in California and Ryan lived in Chile, he came home just once–for our wedding. We timed it with Christmas, so we knew he could get the time off (and could, you know, make it to the wedding). It was also the time of year our families would all be within reach.

www.jackhutch.com

Even in California, a Northern Hemisphere December is a Northern Hemisphere December: it poured the night before, and a dozen or so friends and family were stranded in New York on account of that massive holiday blizzard I’d still rather not talk about.

But on the Big Day, the sun came out, travel-weary cousins surfaced at the hotel breakfast table, and Ryan and I got to jump up and down under a pristine Golden Gate Bridge for our wedding photographer. It was, as you often say when you get to look back on it, perfect.

Back on the San Francisco side.

We’ll be home for Christmas this year, with our families and friends once again within reach. I thought Christmas 2011 would be calmer because there wasn’t the last-minute frenzy of wedding details to finalize and storm trackers to obsess over, and in those senses, it is. But the holidays always have the potential to be hectic, right? Especially when they fall in line with international travel, what might be our only trip home in 365 days, two full families to celebrate with, a wedding anniversary to welcome and honor, new babies to visit, friends to talk with for hours, a beloved city to explore with the eyes of someone who no longer has an apartment at the end of the N/Judah line, and all the blessings that such a packed itinerary implies.

The old neighborhood from the distance…

I’m notorious for over-booking. In an effort to see everyone, I sacrifice sleep and solitude and perhaps sanity. I’m sure most of us do. But I’m going to still need at least one quite hour to walk Ocean Beach like I used to most mornings, take in the sea sounds, taste the fog, and fall back in line with the pace of the waves. But knowing me, I’ll invite as many of you to join me as possible. Heck, let’s throw a party. Bonfire on the beach, anyone?! Oh, wait, it’s December. Well, no matter where we congregate, I sure can’t wait to see you!

…and we’re about to see it again–up close.

Speaking Up

Ever since the warmer weather has wrapped Santiago in glorious sunshine and occasionally oppressive heat (read: any time I’m on the metro), I have dared to reveal my arms (gasp) and shins (double gasp) to the general public. I know, it’s scandalous.

I make light of a situation that I’m beginning to find anything but. Ever since I moved to Chile, I’ve tried to maintain a tone of curiosity, limit complaints (apart from some initial culture shock and the occasional vented frustration at two-hour lines at the bank), and all in all use a positive perspective to compare and contrast my two homes. It’s what we humans do when we are fish out of water. We look around and say, “Well, hey, isn’t that interesting.”

Well, I’ve been speaking up for women lately. Recently, I had the opportunity to do so when a middle-aged man from the States decided to perpetuate sexism with incredibly tasteless pieces he published that objectify women, generalize the male POV, and make gross stereotypes across not one, but multiple races and cultures. He had the good sense to remove one of the articles in question when I voiced my opinion and explained that I could not associate my byline with or promote such content. However, he soon reposted it and sent me an unsolicited defense and asked why couldn’t we just agree to disagree and still suggested I spread the word about his project.

Really?

See, he thinks I’m upset because I’m a newlywed and he is divorced and admits to being bitter about the construct of marriage. The fact that he believes my marital status has anything to do with my ire in the face of blatant sexism and racism only further proves his ignorance around the way he represents gender. While he claims the piece has resonated with male readers, I’m not alone in my offense. My husband is offended. My co-ed writing group is offended. My 22-year-old friends are offended. My mother is offended.

Because we try to learn form these mishaps in judgment, I’m focusing on the valuable lesson I can take away. I’ve had such a positive experience with the many expats I’ve come across in Chile, I brought that same level of trust to this potential professional relationship. I sent information about my work history that I’d include in any cover letter. I assumed he had authority because he posted a “literary journal” to WordPress. I could do that. Anyone could do that. I trusted someone based on perceived literary merit. He read my blog and we arranged a meeting and exchanged cell phone numbers. It’s only on the flip side that I realized I don’t owe this level of trust to anybody, potential employers included. For a few moments, it even made me want to disappear from the Internet, to take down all my photos and status updates and personal narratives. Why should anyone know about me to this level? Why should I know about others?

It’s not lost on me that I turn to the Internet to share this story. Our lives also reveal synchronicity. My gender justice outcry happened to occur in time with the November 29 and 30 podcasts of the most meritorious NPR’s Fresh Air. These interviews prove just what levels of publicized information our new world has the potential to meet. For instance, within 30 years, we’ll likely access the Internet via our contact lenses. That’s right, we’ll be able to just look someone in the eye and–thanks to the massive quantities of the planet that are under constant recorded surveillance as well as the face recognition software Facebook and no doubt others are using (and could easily take advantage of)–we might be able to pull up their names, social networks, contact information, etc. All with little more than a wayward glance. The male physicist being interviewed couldn’t have been more excited about contact lens Internet hookup. I, on the other hand, am horrified. As a female, I already anticipate privacy violations and resulting vulnerability. I do not think this is as often the first thought of men.

Part of the horror, part of the reason I was so ready to speak up is that I’ve spent a couple of months now having to deal with the blatant oggling and catcalling of Chilean men. Perhaps you will think me no better to call out a culture and a gender in this way, and you would be absolutely right. But I’m not used to this kind of outright imposition, even when you’re wearing a wedding ring or pushing a baby stroller. It doesn’t seem to matter that you are someone’s wife or mother or daughter or sister. The message is the same: They have a right to stare. Most of the time, I stare too, straight ahead, down the street. But in my more desperate moments, I stare right back, throw my arms up in the air or pop my shoulders or otherwise, like an animal, try to appear bigger and stronger in my own defense. Last night, I shared my frustration with six other women living in Chile who offered similar stories and worse. They taught me how to talk back in Spanish.

Now, just imagine if these stares pulled up our personal information.

We live abroad to see the shape of our world and learn about its cultures. I moved here. I imposed myself here. I don’t expect a culture to change for my comfort level. I also realize that gender inequality announces itself in far more horrifying ways for women around the world every day.

But I don’t have to keep quiet.

I am grateful for organizations like MissRepresentation.org, “a call-to-action campaign that seeks to empower women and girls to challenge limiting labels in order to realize their potential.” The organization and its projects are “uniting individuals around a common, meaningful goal to spark millions of small actions that ultimately lead to a cross-generational movement to eradicate gender stereotypes and create a lasting cultural and sociological change.”

Precisely.

Last year, I had the opportunity to interview Jennifer Siebel Newsom, the organization’s founder and director of the documentary of the same name. At the time, she was putting the finishing touches on the film, raising a daughter, and commenting on shocking contemporary statistics pertaining to objectification, sexual violence, and overall gender inequality. I knew the film and its message would make an impact, but I’m thrilled at just what a powerful impact it’s made, at its fast following, at hearing women across generations promoting it, at seeing my family members in the States and friends in Chile comment on it.

My small change this week was to stand up for myself and my gender in the face of a sexist representation of women and culture. To decide to say “no” to a professional opportunity because it offended my value system. To refuse to be silent or agree to disagree. To hopefully have made someone more aware than he once was. I will have no evidence of this. The article and its perpetuation of inequality remain. But the small change was also enacted in me. I’ll speak up the next time because I did so this time.

I hope you will, too.

Well, You Did Move to Another Country

Let me tell you a little bit about setting up your medical care in another country.

“La Chascona”
Meanwhile, I will pepper this post with picks of Pablo Neruda’s house in the Bellavista neighborhood, where I took visitors last week. While I have seen the Santiago house, “La Chascona,” (one of the three homes he kept in Chile) from the outside and had my curiosity satiated by the stunning murals that surround it, I had yet to step inside and take the tour. Cameras weren’t allowed, but oh, what a bounty of watermelon paintings, colored glassware, seashells, stuffed animals, books, watchful eyes, and spoons we found. I had no idea the poet was a flea market wanderer and collector after my own heart! I think these photos are apropos for an experience where what looked to be one thing on the outside was anything but on the inside.
Neruda designed the house so it is
comprised of stand-alone sections.

Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment… across the street. I figured 15 minutes was sufficient time to locate the suite number in the building…  across the street. Well, chilejenn, you never cease to surprise me. I did manage to find the building (my sense of direction isn’t that bad). So I strode in, confident, winning, and looked for 106, the suite number I needed. I located 104, 105, and 107, which were all on the first floor. It would only be logical that 106 would also be on the first floor since we’re not talking about TWO-06, right? 
It’s as if he’s trying to tell me… “It’s right over there!”
Wrong. The patient man at the information desk on the first floor directed me upstairs and my confidence returned. The bounce in my step was short-lived however, as one second-floor help desk sent me across the floor to radiology, where I needed to take a number and wait my turn before I could even ask if I was in the right place. So as the 15 minutes ticked down to five, I finally got to ask my question before being directed right back across the hall to the aforementioned help desk. 
I knew if I looked hard enough, my destination had to be
right in front of me.
I suppose I had “I’m a lost gringa and I apologize about the sorry state of my Spanish” written all over my face, as some kind soul directed me through a set of double doors next to the second help desk. Ohhhhh… Upon parting the doors, with a mere two minutes to spare, I only saw a long hallway. A nurse directed me through yet another set of double-doors until I officially arrived at my new doctor’s office. While I felt like I had crossed into another dimension, my destination was still just across the street.
I just can’t get enough of the nearby street art…
Once there, the experience couldn’t have been better. My doctora, a Brit with an enviable air of calm, proceeded to spend nearly an hour with me (imagine!), getting to know my medical history, sure, but also taking the time to find out what I’m doing here in Chile, what I have done professionally, etc. It didn’t take her long to suss out that I’m an “organized” person who likes to be “in control.” Ha! Who knew the family doctor could moonlight as a therapist?! 
…or the evidence that despite the heat,
it is still technically Spring.
When I mentioned the minor ailments I’ve noticed since my arrival–a random fever here or there as well as those migraines that put a haze over a considerable number of smoggy winter days–she had the same answer: “Well, you did move to a foreign country.” 
Statue, tribute, poetry.
She went on to explain that people don’t always realize what a major thing that is or necessarily think about everything that has to adjust accordingly. We don’t just find new jobs and learn new languages. Our bodies have to fight off new viruses and allergies. The lack of light in the wintertime can spark more migraines than we’re used to. What’s more, we need friends, people around us to understand and who can understand us. In short, friendship is important, too, when it comes to overall health and general well-being. Thankfully, I could answer in the affirmative, that I was making good girlfriends, an effort I had prioritized when it came to moving to this other country. 
Now, if I could just get all my California and New York and St. Louis and Connecticut and Boston and Australia girlfriends to visit, I know I’d feel even better.